Where have all the children gone?

Where have all the children gone? I don't mean it in a literal sense, but certainly a figurative one. My generation was different than today's and different from my parents' who walked to school (both ways!) in snow, rain or shine! We were free as kids - even when we were little. My parents didn't hover. I don't believe the term helicopter parent even existed. I had one friend with this incredibly over-protective mother. She was the exception and we all felt sorry for her. Kids are meant to fall and stumble. Skinned knees are a rite of passage - along with stubbed toes, and dirty hands. Parents never hovered at the playground. We played on equipment that was dangerous by today's standards. I can't tell you the stunts I performed - with my friends, with mothers looking in our direction. We teetered upon tall metal jungle gyms, slid down hot metal slides. We had swings we could fall out of. They were metal too. And everything was on asphalt. Asphalt that was hard and hurt and had to be pulled out of skinned knees with tweezers. We rode in cars. Backwards. Without seat belts. There was nothing better than sprawling out in the back of a huge Ford station wagon. Blankets, books and pillows too. Sometimes a 4 legged friend would hang out with us back there. We sang in cars. And talked and looked out the windows. We didn't have built-in screens or iPads on which moving images could be streamed non-stop. (Though, admittedly, as a mother who used to do a lot of long-distance driving in the summertime, those screens were a godsend!)

Our mothers didn't fill fancy diaper bags with juice boxes and snacks. We ate at home. We had water fountains. Water was free back then. Our mothers watched us carefully from a distance interfering only if we weren't being kind or someone was bullying another child or a child was being bullied by a meanie. Today's parents are too quick to defend their kids. Today's kids can do no wrong. "My daughter would never have done that. You must be mistaken. Your child must have made it up." I've seen this over and over again. Honestly, how will kids ever learn? How will they learn to take responsibility for their own actions and to apologize when need be?

Don't worry about that here. My kids are wrong. A lot. And I let them know and if they do something wrong I make them apologize. There are consequences in my home. There should be consequences. Now, my kids are far from perfect but they are good kids. They'd never bully or be mean but over the years there have been times when I have seen my kids do something wrong and I have made them apologize. The lack of apologies given today by children astonishes me - especially when parents are nearby.

We walked or biked, roller skated (in our uber cool sneaker skates) and skateboarded to our friends houses. Every once in a while a play date was arranged. Mostly we went over to our friends homes and rang the doorbell. If you lived in city, like I did, you would still ring your friend's doorbell. Sometimes your friend would live in your building which was great when the weather was lousy, otherwise we'd walk to our friend's homes. We learned to look both ways when we crossed the street. We walked everywhere. We were outside all the time. We were active. Some kids I knew in country (cousins and friends) had swing sets but they were metal and modest by today's standards. They didn't resemble mini palaces or pirate ships or amusement parks. There were a couple of swings. And a slide. And maybe a sandbox. Not every kid got a swing. We had to share. We had to learn to take turns. And not everyone had a swing set. We learned to keep busy doing other things. We created obstacle courses, we'd go exploring. We kept busy and we had fun. We didn't get bored after 20 minutes and ask to come back inside.

Sure we had electronics. We had our Ataris and weekend morning cartoons. The Betamax made it possible to rent movies. But we didn't spend all day inside glued to them. (Except for maybe when Luke and Laura got married.) We didn't have organic this and organic that. We didn't worry about hormones and GMOs. Vegetables were vegetables. We knew they came from farms. And from the freezer. And from cans. We ate meat and potatoes and potatoes had eyes on them - remember that? (When was the last time you saw or had to cut eyes out of potatoes? We can blame chemicals for that.) We drank whole milk. We ate baloney - our baloney had a first name it was O.S.C.A.R - and we ate Cheese Doodles (which we had to save for Grandma) and we ate Cream of Mushroom Soup from a can and many meals, called casseroles, were prepared with it. We never, or rarely drank soda. We were thin kids. There was one "fat" girl in my class, but by today's standards she was barely chunky.

We all played sports and we all had gym and we all had outdoor recess. Even those who weren't terribly athletic or competitive participated in some sort of sport. There was something for everyone, either available through a town or, in my case, in New York City, the school. I swam. I ice skated. I took ballet. When I got older I played basket ball and badminton. I was not terribly good at either one, but I enjoyed them. Why can't kids play sports today simply for enjoyment's sake and not for competition? Today a kid must join a team in order to play sports. Even the most non-competitive teams are competitive. And, better yet, every kid who tries out makes the team! (Please do note my sarcasm here!) Kids don't get cut from teams anymore. Instead of 1 team there are many teams. A through D. AND each kid gets a trophy simply for participating. Guess what? I had no trophies as a kid. I don't remember it ever being the end of the world. I was never devastated when I didn't make the team, or get the part I wanted in the school play. Of course there were times when I was sad and disappointed but I think that's all good and a very important part of growing up. "It's life." That's what we are told. "Those are the breaks." And today I have an extremely hard time trying to teach my kids about disappointment. There's so little of it out there. And it seems that lately because no one else wants to disappoint a kid that I am doing all the disappointing. In the end - one day - I am sure they will thank me. But now I often feel like the bad guy. But I still don't believe that kids should get everything they want and never experience disappointment. I do not believe in rewarding my kids for every little thing they do. I do believe in rewarding them for larger accomplishments. This means so much more to them, I believe.

I believe students should work hard for their As. I would rather see my children struggle for a well deserve B than slide into an A without effort. I believe that children should work - help out around the house. I believe in age-appropriate tasks such as setting and clearing the table and doing the dishes. Or taking out the garbage, or Swiffering the floors. It's OK if sometimes I ask my teenagers to help with the laundry - toss something into or take out of the machine or dryer. I believe that they should do their own dishes and not just leave them in the sink. (We've been working on this for years, and sadly we haven't progressed all that much.)

I think that kids should earn money either at home or out of the home and not handed an allowance simply for existing. There are chores, other than the unexpected, that kids can do to make their own money such as helping out in the back yard or around the garden, babysitting, any other house hold project that might not fall onto an every day To Do list - polishing copper or silver. I believe in instilling in them (or trying to) a good work ethic. I'm always surprised to hear that so many of my children's friends have no chores and do nothing to help out around the home. I'm also surprised to hear that children don't set tables and have no idea where forks and knives go. Maybe they're not eating at the table en famille... is that it? Are they eating alone, in the family room, in front of the TV? I really hope not. While we don't have a family dinner every night, I make a point of having one several nights a week. It's important - if only for working on table manners and playing silly word games!

My kids aren't top athletes or scholars. They are not over-programmed with activities - In fact, by today's standards we are way under programmed. And I'm OK with that. I do enough chauffeuring as it is! Their time with me at home is limited - I want to savor every minute I have them here. And then when the time comes, I will watch them leave the nest and grow and soar and become who they are meant to become. They will figure out who they are and what they want all in good time. They don't need me pushing them in one direction or another, forcing them to be something they don't want to be. I will always encourage and I will always support and lead the way to wherever it is they want to go. Right now, they have no idea, and they shouldn't. They are 8, 13 and 15 and they shouldn't know where they will be in the next 10, or 20 years.

We don't have a fancy play-set though we do have some scooters that the older two have outgrown that have gotten all rusted out because the youngest one left them out in the rain - repeatedly, despite my asking him not to. And no, they won't be replaced unless he spends his own money. I do not believe in replacing things because they get broken - We have way too many accidental breaks in this house! My kids do spend too much time on their iDevices and pulling them away is a constant battle - a battle that I hate. We have organic milk in our fridge and chemical-ladden sugar-free Fudgecicles. That's just how we roll.

I'd never say my kids are exceptional. But they are good and kind and courteous and respectful. I don't think I could ask for more than that. If anything I feel as though I've not done enough for them. As a single mother I wish I could be there for them more and I wish I could give them more - I don't mean give them everything, as I believe that children should have wants. I would love to take them on a vacation. It's been far too long. We all need to get away.

I worry that over the past couple of years I have not created enough memories... that we have not seen enough or done enough. I want to fill their lives with as much as I can fill them with. I don't think life should be measured by material objects, but by memories created along the way. A memory, after all, lasts forever. I want the children to have rich and memorable experiences. This, I think, is my greatest disappointment. I will figure out how to make it all up to them - I will figure out how to give them back some of their lost youth. That is my regret. I regret nothing else.

I wrote this piece yesterday about my perfect Mother's Day. Re-reading it, over and over again, long after it was written was confirmation that I've done something right and that they're truly good kids. I don't care if they don't get into the Harvards or Yales or Browns. I don't care that they're not setting out to save the world or looking for a cure for an awful disease. I do care that they are good, kind people.


This piece was inspired by recent conversations I've had with friends on Facebook, via emails and in person.