on summertime...

Hello my friends, it's been a while. Summer is nearing an end and my emotions regarding this are very mixed right now. It's been a very long summer. At times she seemed endless, relentless, exhausting. At times I wished her to end so that I could get back to my work and my projects that are seemingly impossible to do while taking care of three children. I feel a disappointment. In myself and in the summer. I feel as though, while she seemed to drag on and on and on, that she also will pass us by in a fleeting moment and she will be gone and then I will have regretted that I hadn't done more. I've tried. I've tried to keep my children active and busy, amused and entertained. I feel let down. I feel as though I have let them down.

This is the first summer that I have been on my own. Save for a week and a couple of evenings during the week (which I should be and am terribly grateful for) I haven't had a break. This has made me tired and cranky. This has made my patience wear thin. This has not made me the best mother I can be. I feel guilty and riddled with angst. Summers are supposed to be long, lazy and carefree. And ours has been. But there has been too much boredom. The children have been bored and frankly, I have been bored as well. My funds are tightly managed. First we take care of all the necessary items and then the fun stuff. Because of this we haven't had the flexibility and freedom that we have had in the past. I feel as though I've been confined. I feel as though the children have been confined.

Now don't misunderstand me. I don't mean to come off as a wining, blubbering, feeling sorry for myself kind of person. That's not what I am and it's not what I am doing. I am fortunate. So very fortunate to have all that I do have and, there really isn't anything that I am not grateful for. Truly. Sometimes I get exasperated and sometimes I panic and worry about the future with my children, but really, doesn't everyone do this? And there have been moments lately where interacting with my ex husband hasn't been the greatest and somehow we just seem to ignite the rage within... and I think neither one of us means to do it and I think this comes out of fear and frustration. And even though we are divorced I really hate when this happens. Because even though we are divorced, we are still a team and we are needed to be one for as long as we need to parent our children. And it just sucks when we can't see eye to eye on things and he thinks I am being ridiculous and I think that he is. And all this can greatly affect my mood and my parenting and my view of my own parenting.

As any mother does, I simply want the best for my children. I want to teach them all that I can teach. I want to give them all that I can give - in terms of memories, experiences, and opportunities. I feel as though this summer, I've been remiss in doing so. I wonder if I feel this way every summer.

My youngest child starts school next week and the older two start the following week. On one hand I am so very ready to send them on their way. On the other hand I want to hang on to them, hold them back and make up for all that we haven't yet done... haven't been able to do. What more could they want? I don't know. I am sure they are happy sleeping in, playing video games, being lazy. But I'm not happy they are doing this. I want them all out and about and being active. Physical -all boys need to be outside and get physical. Their friends, for the most part, are away in the summer, at camps or with family or on long summer escapes. We can't do that this year. I can sense their boredom, for I am bored too.

And we have the beach just past our doorstep. And I could never tire of the beach. I could live on the beach, but my children cannot. Gone is the excitement of the cold salty waters and wet sand. The boys have swam and built castles and dug holes and collected rocks and sticks and shells and sea glass... We've taken some day trips and we've been to a couple of matinees. But I want more. I want more for them. I want them to look back and remember a fun-filled summer. And I don't think that they will be able to. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I cannot provide for them the way their peers are being provided for. I feel badly that I cannot take them to the places their peers are going to... get them the things their peers are getting... see the things their peers are seeing.

I believe in stepping outside of the box. I believe in coloring outside of the lines and not sitting down to watch life pass by. Life is not a spectator sport. Life is meant to be lived. And I just want to be sure that my children are really living.

Then there's the part of me that's sad and frustrated that I cannot get anything done. That I cannot accept or tackle the projects that have been handed over to me. I should be honored that people are thinking of me, trusting me to help them and yet I cannot deliver. And although I try, it seems in end that I cannot. For the children are my life and they are constant and needy of my time and energy. I have tried to separate the mother in me from the career person, from the artist I am, if you will. But I simply cannot. Instead I grow angry and frustrated. I want to finish my projects without distraction, without constant disruption and yet I cannot. I want to tend to my children and give them my 100% attention, and yet I cannot. Surely there must be a place of compromise, a happy middle place... surely there must be.

In a couple of weeks this will all be behind me and I will be faced with a new set of goals and challenges and I will have to come to terms with those and figure out how to navigate the uncharted waters of my immediate future. I am sure there will be many obstacles along the way. Life is not easy. No one ever said it was. I hope that with each and every passing day, month and year I get my footing. I hope to become better balanced and better at juggling all the balls that life tosses at us. Meantime, I will keep walking... slowly, surely, one foot in front of the other. Hopefully when I get to my destination I will look back and be proud, not riddled with angst and worry. Hopefully I continue to learn, both from my mistakes as well as my successes. And while I look back and see the great strides and great promise, my goal is to always look forward and always strive for more... In the meantime, the weather is still warm, and the days are still warm. I must take advantage of all that I have and make the most of it.

I hope you are all enjoying your summers.

XOXO,

Jessica